Tag Archives: death

green…

17 Monday Mar 2014

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St Patrick’s Day… all about green…

wore green clothes and took a green treat for my colleagues…

was talking with someone about all the steps you have to go through when someone dies…

still wondering how you find someone who knows what you need to do… it felt like I bumbled my way through the process and luckily made it without any huge mistakes…

the list of what to do from the Funeral Home covered a few of the things that had to be done, but was certainly not complete for my situation…

so much of it had to do with another green thing – money…

felt like every organization I was in touch with wanted some…

insurance companies that wanted specific information which had to come from the doctor and which had to be paid for… Land Titles, who needed me to pay them to change the registration of the house… the leasing company that required a safety check so that the car could be put into my name… and so on…

when someone dies, a lot of green gets used up…

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loss…

10 Monday Feb 2014

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a friend lost her mom… it was shocking and awful… didn’t matter that she was in her nineties…

when you lose a loved one, you aren’t prepared, even if you think you are…

we talked for quite a while and she mentioned the most difficult part was sharing the information with her children, and then supporting them as they processed it…

me and my girls...

my girls and I this summer… they are such amazing young women…

brought to mind the very difficult phone calls I had to make when George died… one of my daughters lives here and the other lived at the coast…

I had to pull myself together and call them… I remember calling the one here in the city and praying that her husband was home because I knew she was going to dissolve into a million pieces… and thank goodness, he was home and answered the phone… I was able to know that he was beside her to hold her when she heard the news… I don’t even remember how she told our grandsons…

then I had to call my daughter at the coast… I knew that her husband was across the country and she had no one at home for support… I didn’t even have a friend’s number who I could call to go and be with her… we had to make decisions about whether she would come home right away or wait for the storm that was pounding the coast to abate… would she contact her husband who was writing an exam the following morning or wait until he was finished… would he come back to their home and travel with her here, or would he travel directly here from where he was…

the kids here came immediately to the hospital, although while I waited it seemed like it took forever… the daughter from away had to wait until the next day to come, and her husband did come directly here… finally we were all together…

and then we took one step at a time to get everything done that was needed…

speaking with my friend, I realized that I had blocked out making those phone calls…

in less than a month it will be two years since my beloved died… I am working very hard to stay positive and not fall into a funk… when I start to feel sorry for myself I put on those big girl pants and think about all the special times we had over 40 years… I am amazed that after this amount of time I can still feel devastated…

a young friend recently asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears… not that great I guess, lol… some days it feels as though everyone has moved on with their life… and I have too, until the gaping hole opens…

truly I have been blessed, and that helps me take the next step…

connecting…

14 Friday Dec 2012

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been thinking about the horrible happenings in Connecticut today…  reminded me of how life can change in an instant, and made me think about my own girls…

tonight I have spent considerable time on the phone with Cyndi… we’ve had three of four calls back and forth… we talked about our work day, plans for the weekend, shopping to do, our trip in January, life in general…

It reminded me of the change to our communications since George died…  we would talk every week for sure, often on Sunday when the family would gather here for dinner, but she was busy with her life in BC and we were busy with ours here…

a random conversation this week reminded me of the night George died… I sat beside his body in the emergency room and had to call my two girls to share the devastating news that their dad was gone…

Crystal was first, as she lives here in the city…  thankfully her husband was home with her… after speaking with her and knowing she was on her way, I called Cyndi…

she was home alone, as her husband was away across the country on a training course…  there wasn’t anyone I could call to be with her and I felt awful making the call, knowing she was alone…  we spoke and cried for a while, and then we decided she would come home and she hung up to make the necessary plans…  she tried to reach her husband, but was unable to, and then she tried to book a flight… the weather was terrible and she had to wait for two days to get on a plane…  she arrived from the west and her husband arrived from the east a few days after that…

after she returned home, she began to call me every day, and following my surgery, while I was home recovering, she would call me on her way to work in the morning and on her way home at night… we’d talk about whatever was taking place in our lives at that moment, and remember to say “I love you” during each call…  since I have returned to work she calls daily… if she’s too busy to call I really notice it and miss the connection…

George chatting to one of the girls on his cell phone...

George chatting to one of the girls on his cell phone…

that made me think of my grandmother who was housebound (basically room bound) for many years… my mom would talk with her every day on the phone as well, and I remember thinking that was a “bit much”…  my grandma would also call other “shut-ins” daily to help them keep connected…  I realize now what a life line that would have been and what a gift that she shared with others…

since George’s death I have worked very hard to stay connected and tell those around me how much they mean to me, and remind others to do the same…  life is so fragile and it can change in an instant…

Anxiety…

10 Monday Dec 2012

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my youngest grandson asked to see my scar a couple of days ago… it brought back some memories…

George died March 5th… following that I had some fairly serious medical symptoms which ended up with a biopsy… on May 22nd I received a phone call at 4:20 from a gynecologist advising that I had uterine cancer… I was supposed to go into a board meeting at 4:30…

I didn’t have George to talk to… that is what I miss the most…

my colleagues quickly stepped in, organized someone else to take minutes of the meeting, and a couple took me home…

we had been waiting since September of 2011 for my ventral hernia repair surgery, but the process kept going very slowly… once I saw my doctor after George’s death and described recent symptoms he advised we could not proceed with the hernia surgery as I might also need a hysterectomy, and he didn’t want me to go through two separate surgeries…

after she told me I had cancer, the gynecologist advised that she was turning me over to CancerCare, and someone would give me a call… serendipitously a colleague mentioned my situation to one of our suppliers (which was very unusual) who contacted me the next day with her niece’s phone number… her niece was one of the gynecological surgeons at CancerCare… after numerous calls my surgery was set for July 18, 2012…

I made copious arrangements for the time of the surgery, arranging schedules for those who would sit with me in the hospital, and when I got home… of course without George to look after me, I had to find others to help me…

the surgery went well and I was released from the hospital just 3 days later, and had family and friends stay with me for a while before I could manage on my own… I was home for ten weeks because of the enormity of the surgery…

a beautiful stem of orchids with an amazing dragonfly... two of my favourite things...

a beautiful stem of orchids with an amazing dragonfly… two of my favourite things…

a number of weeks following the surgery I received a phone call to advise that there had been one small cancerous polyp but everything else was clear… it was a miracle that the gynecologist had biopsied the one spot that had cancer cells… the doctor advised that I was cancer free and would not need any follow-up procedures… I had thought I wasn’t worried about the results, but when I put the phone down after the call I burst into tears… another small miracle was that a friend arrived just moments after this news to take me to a quilting group where my friends acted as my sounding board…

my grandsons had different ways of dealing with my surgery – particularly after having lost their grandpa so recently… two of them wanted nothing to do with seeing the scar, but the youngest was quite enthralled with Grandma’s owie… every time he came to see me he would want to see how the owie was doing…

I believe that George saved my life… the symptoms I was having had been minor and I might have gone for years before getting this dealt with, but the stress of his death brought on symptoms that couldn’t be ignored…

not having him to talk to when things happen – little things, bad things, good things, whatever, that is what I miss… for 41 plus years I could pick up the phone or turn to him and he would be my sounding board…

I have new sounding boards for different things now… someone at work, or a friend, or my daughters, depending on the situation… it is a part of the new reality of my life…

once my grandson checked out the scar, he went off happily, although I think he was a bit disappointed that it was all gone…

Remembering…

09 Sunday Dec 2012

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this morning I went out for a hot tub… it was -30C with the wind chill, but toasty warm in the tub…  I had a little trouble getting in because one of the straps on the cover had frozen to the side (against the house where it is very difficult to reach)…

before I had to put my big girl pants on, I would have stepped back into the house and called George, who would have come and figured out how to fix the problem…  now, without him, I have to sort things out myself…  very clever this morning, I got some hot water and ran it over the strap and voila, I could open the tub…Image

the trees are gorgeous this morning as we’ve had snow fall over the last few days…  the sky is a beautiful blue and the sun is bright… surprisingly there were no visitors to the feeder…

as I was sitting enjoying the beauty in the garden – from the tub I can see the snow covered pond with the stone and wire heron, the six cedars that stand as sentinels along the back lane and the bird feeder by the garage – memories flooded in…

I remember many times when George and I would sit in the tub, enjoying our lovely garden and talking about all kinds of things – big and little…  I miss that a lot, but I am also glad that he isn’t busy watching every little thing that went into his mouth and feeling deprived that he could no longer smoke or drink…

lucky for me, the good times rise to the top of the list when I remember… digging the spot out for the big pond, and trying to get it level… oh my, getting things level was often something that could cause a little hissy fit…changing the flower beds – how he worked around the clock, when our dear friend and neighbour Ellen died, to get the bed beside the garage raised and planted, with a bench along the top for sitting so that the garden would be at its best for a small celebration of her life…

I still get the odd flashback… stepping into the hospital room to discover he was dead without anyone preparing me beforehand, that is a rough one…  but then I think about the outpouring of love and care that quickly surrounded me as my family, friends and colleagues came to provide support…

I don’t dwell on the sad remembrances… life is too short and the life I have is quite amazingly wonderful… a close family, a home, work that I love, and my health…

that’s  what I choose to remember…