this anniversary of my beloved’s death has been harder than usual…
not sure if it is having someone else in the house, going through so many boxes and letting go of things… maybe it’s been seeing his writing on papers as I’ve sorted through files… maybe it is realizing I’ve been without him for a quarter of the time we were together…
you’d think after eleven years it would be less difficult…
we have done first-footing since I was a little girl… for us, it meant that just before midnight on New Year’s Eve my dad, who had dark hair, would jump in the car and drive around to all our aunts and uncles and grandparents’ houses and take them an offering – it always included coal, bread and sometimes oranges and a little drink of something… I also remember how my dad would have to search out new coal every year because no one ever kept it from year to year, lol…
from Dalhousie Castle:
“Stemming back to the time of the invading Vikings in the 8th and 9thcentury, it is believed that the first person to enter a house, the “first foot”, can bring luck – or misfortune – for the year ahead. In Scottish tradition good luck comes in the form of a tall, dark-haired man being the first footer.” Dec 7, 2020
I spent time this morning looking back at some of the different ways it has happened for me…
my daughter being the first female to cross the threshold first when she was here in 2017…
my middle grandson taking home a bag and making sure to bring it and be the first one to cross my threshold…
my daughter arranging for friends to come by with a box of items she had sent to them…
while visiting the kids in Ottawa, having a diamond necklace in the bag because there wasn’t any coal, lol… and I did have to give it back🤪…
this morning I went out the back door in my housecoat, walked around to the front door, and first-footed myself…
trying not to see the time at the hospital that day… keeps running through my head today…
this morning I made a donation to a program that is feeding hungry people… and to the Heart & Stroke Foundation… both will help people now and in the future… my beloved was always helping others…
ordered an A&W Teenburger for my supper in celebration of one of his favourite foods…
today commemorates eight years since my beloved left me… he walked with me longer than I walked alone before and since his death…
I miss him… every day and in every way… I have grown so much since that day… and continue to as I move forward…
I’ve been thinking of many of the fun things that we did during our forty-plus years together… from camping in tents and pop-up trailers, to zip lining and riding up a mountain in a chairlift (for 2 people afraid of heights)… from Grand Beach to Goose Spit… from gardening to bathroom renovations… from family meals on the deck to dimsum in restaurants…
this morning I received a parcel from the kids in Ottawa… 3 cute plants in a wooden box… a great addition to the forest, lol…
the outdoors looked stunning after a night of snow, but the delivery person had to make a path to get to the door…
also received some earbuds in the mail that I had ordered from our AirMiles account, so it was like a gift from my beloved… took me a while to figure out how to connect them…
made steak, potatoes and mushrooms for my dinner… he would have grilled it, but I cooked it in the oven, lol…
what a difficult day… i never know when one of these days will come along…
I’m a bit worn out from recent events so that may have exacerbated the feelings…
anyway, I blubbered throughout the morning at the office… my colleagues were all so kind…
I left after lunch and went to The Stoneware Gallery and found the cutest heart shaped bowls…
picked up bannock and rye bread from La Belle Baguette, which made me happy because they’ve been out of the bannock every time I’d stopped by previously…
filled up the car and got home in time to have a lovely afternoon nap…
looking forward to my first Friday off in many weeks…
I wrote my first blog on December 1, 2012… it was nine months since my beloved died and I had gone through many difficult times as I learned what it meant to be a widow…
not really sure if the time has flown by or moved at a snail’space…
that day I was just going to see what WordPress was all about, lol…
Google tells me it has been 2191 days and I’ve posted almost every one of those and twice on a few…
that first day I put up this picture… it was of flowers that my colleagues sent me…
it is still one of my favourite shots…
every day when I write a post I check to see if the title has been used before… always interesting to see what I’ve written previously… sometimes I am surprised at what I’ve posted… other times I can remember every word…
life has changed a whole lot in six years… but I am still getting used to the new journey…
two thousand one hundred and ninety-one days since my beloved left me…
you would think that six years would make it easier…
some days it does seem a little easier… many days it doesn’t…
I do things that I’d never done before and I do them well… those big girl pants and all… but I would much rather have him beside me…
I continue to try to remember the good times and focus on them rather than feel sorry for myself… although there are certainly times when I wallow…
I’ve learned to feel those moments and sit in them and not push them aside… I believe that has helped me move forward…
as I write this the tears fall… over the last few weeks I’ve have been reminded of the days when George died and the memorial that followed… it has been very stress-filled as I have been reliving the hours and days immediately following his death…
thinking back to the police arriving at the door and my friends going with me to the hospital… not being told he had died, but walking into the room where his body was… calling my girls, and others… signing a form so that they could harvest his organs… going home to a house without him…
hard days… but today I got chocolate in the mail and bought myself a bouquet of flowers to make me smile;-)…
herbiggirlpants 