Author Archives: sulis303

Wrapping…

23 Sunday Dec 2012

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well, now I know why I’d been putting the wrapping off…

I gathered all the packages from the couple of locations where I had been storing/hiding them, and brought everything to the dining room table… had some great paper from Costco this year, a lovely snowflake theme in whites, blues and silvers… this will go beautifully with Crystal’s tree…

had to search for quite a while before I found the gift tags… took some time to decide on which paper would work for whom, and then began the actual wrapping…

the wrapping went well… I even got fancy with ribbon… then I had to write the first tag…

“love Mom”…

hadn’t anticipated the shock… my eyes welled up and I thought about all the parcels that I had made tags for over the last 40 years…

oh my, I miss my beloved…

so, after a little pity party, I moved on and finished wrapping and tagging the gifts…

collection of gifts for Christmas...

collection of gifts for Christmas…

I also realize that I have focused on my immediately family with a very few exceptions… again, this is not my norm, but apparently there will be a number of differences this year… maybe tomorrow I will make some more sugar cookies for those who I have let drop off the list…

the kids came over, and we went Christmas pajama shopping for everyone… we returned home, had dinner and looked at things we might do while in Mexico…

then they were gone, and the house returned to a quiet peace-filled space… tonight it does feel peaceful, not empty like yesterday…

interesting…

Emptiness…

22 Saturday Dec 2012

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been a busy day… well, the morning was… I did a few chores around the house, and then Crystal and the little boys picked me up and we went grocery shopping for Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner…

when we got to the grocery store both boys wanted to hold my hand… this is a bit endearing for me, because when Grandpa was alive, they would have been holding his hand and I would have been walking along behind…

the boys loved to help Grandpa...

the boys loved to help Grandpa…

these moments are precious and made the shopping very special… they are also very busy and three adults with the two of them would have been a slightly better ratio… we shopped at Safeway for the dinner, and stopped at M&M for the treats for Christmas Eve… when we got back, everyone came in for a few minutes to scarf down their lunch and bring in the groceries, before blasting off to the next errand on their list…

I had some lunch and then a nap… I had plans to wrap gifts but ended up laying on the bed for the remainder of the day… the house is feeling empty just now… I am missing the comings and goings of my mate… I haven’t noticed this feeling in recent weeks but as Christmas gets closer, I guess it makes sense…

sadly, I am thinking of many others I know who are facing this Christmas with one less person in their lives… I am sending thoughts and prayers their way and hoping they will be able to find some joy during these special days…

before, all of the kids would come to our house on Christmas Eve and everyone would sleep over, there would be people everywhere… we would get up early and open our presents all together… this year, I am going to the kids’ on Christmas Eve  to sleep over and we will open our presents there… Cyndi and Ron will be together in BC and we may Skype with them as presents are opened, although it will be very early for them…

we will come back here in time to put the turkey in the oven and will likely hot tub and play games on the TV ending up with dinner…

it all feels different and strange to me, but I am sure it will be wonderFULL… I’ll keep you posted, lol…

Peace…

21 Friday Dec 2012

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been getting a few Christmas cards in the mail…

this year most are mentioning that people are thinking of me, particularly without George, this year… it always surprises me when people send cards, because if you know me, you know you aren’t going to be receiving one from me, so I am always amazed when people send them anyway…

I often save cards, if they happen to have a picture of one of the Christmas things I collect… which could be trees, snow people, santas, nativities, stars, reindeer, sleighs, angels… I think that covers most of them… my favourites are often snow flakes… they are so individual but complicated… much like people…

we’ve had lots of snow lately and much of it has been the soft, fluffy kind which is also very peace-full… something about the way it falls and then causes a silence that you can hear… everything is muffled in the quiet…

yesterday I received a beautiful card with a dove on it (I collect doves too)… it was quite stunning and brought peace to mind…

it made me think of how filled with peace my life is… George left me secure with a pension, paid off home, a few dollars in the bank, the knowledge of how to do many things, or if not, who to contact for help…

by Amnesty International...

by Amnesty International…

in today’s mail I received the tickets for a trip to Mexico, where I am taking our children and grandchildren, thanks to George…  I anticipate that we will have a wonderful time and imagine how thrilled he would be that we are enjoying this once-in-a-lifetime family vacation, because of his planning…

truly, I am blessed…

Hospitality…

20 Thursday Dec 2012

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sitting in the living room in the dark, except for the glowing Christmas trees on the fish tank, I remember my love… he would have either been excited that Christmas was coming, or grumpy because things weren’t all done…

the stained glass, trees, fish and snail...

the stained glass, trees, fish and snail…

going to Morden’s would be on his list, because it wouldn’t be Christmas without Morden’s chocolates as one of my, and the girls, gifts… he would also pick chocolate and nuts up for my work and his work… tomorrow I am going to Morden’s because we need that chocolate, and so I have to put on the big girl pants… I am going with a lovely young woman who makes me smile…

we had a number of celebrations at the office today…  it was one person’s birthday, and another colleague’s last day, as she is leaving to pursue her dreams, so we had a small gathering to say farewell… and at the end of the day, we toasted the wonderful year we have had…  the people I work with come from many backgrounds and are quite amazing… every day I am happy to get up and go into the workplace… how wonderful is that…

yesterday I talked about how I missed having George to bounce things off of… today has been the first full cycle of him not being around for that type of conversation… the day he died I learned something and was waiting to talk with him about it, and today, it came to pass…  hard to believe he has been gone so long… there would have been a number of conversations in the hot tub as I worked through my feelings…

watching people sharing reminds me so much of George, who was generous with me and everyone he came into contact with…  I have watched the girls grow up and follow in his footsteps with their generosity… whether it is with things, time, spirit or hospitality they share with others…

what a legacy…

Teary…

19 Wednesday Dec 2012

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having a day… feeling like I will burst into tears at any moment… not sure what it is about but likely something to do with the season and missing George…

before, if I was having a moment, or a day, I would give him a call and we would talk about poor me, get to the place where we could laugh about it, and eventually, I would feel better…

today a colleague tried hard to perk me up, but that just wasn’t happening…

maybe it has to do with the fact that yesterday I received a throw/blanket in the mail that I had ordered online for my grandsons… it consisted of a picture of George and the boys as they were walking to breakfast on a summer day in 2011…

memory of a wonderful weekend spent with the boys...

memory of a wonderful weekend spent with the boys…

I was going to give it to them as a Christmas present but then thought it might make them sad, so gave it to them last night when we were together and they loved it… I was also worried that my daughter would respond tearily, which she did, and I didn’t want that to put a damper on Christmas day… although not sure who I am kidding… likely there will be a damper on Christmas this year…

as the day progressed my mood improved, and after a quiet evening watching tv, napping and having a lovely hot tub, I am feeling much more positive about life…

what a difference a few hours can make in your life…

Struggling…

18 Tuesday Dec 2012

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a few people I know are struggling with family situations… often it is with mom or dad, or even a spouse who is not well and needs care, but don’t necessarily want it…

I remember when my mom was dying and in Princess Elizabeth Hospital… I watched a dozen people move into and out of her four bed ward while she was there… it seemed if they didn’t have family who came regularly to see them, that they would soon be drugged and basically sleep through whatever time they had left… I was in the amazing position of not working so I could be with her every day… it was a special time… we had the opportunity to say all the things we felt and grew close over those last months…

she was dying of esophageal cancer, which spread to her brain… the radiation treatments she had before being transferred from Grace Hospital slowed the brain cancer and kept her basically pain free, until the end… she had smoked all her life, but stopped for a few months once she went into hospital… but while she was in the palliative care ward she started to smoke again – in those days, there was a room that you could smoke in, not like today… many thought she was nuts, but it was really the only thing she had control over… everything else was decided by someone else: when she would eat, sleep, take meds, get dressed, washed… basically everything… and really, she was dying anyway, what difference would a few cigarettes make…

I was blessed with the time and space to be able to be with her every day and it was truly a gift to walk that final journey with her… as difficult as it was, I wouldn’t give up one moment…

she came home for Christmas that final time, and we had a great day…  she wanted to stay here to die, but I didn’t think that the girls could handle it at the time, so took her back to the hospital the day after Christmas…  she died two days later…  I climbed into her bed and held her as she took her last breath…

walking the halls of St. Boniface...

walking the halls of St. Boniface…

George was with me, as he always was in times of trauma and difficulty… my best friend and beloved…

I hope that I will be able to hear when my kids are telling me I need to make changes in my life, and I hope that they will be able to hear me…

all of this reminds me again how important every moment we have is…  whether we are experiencing the highs of life, or the lows…  they each need to be savoured…  life is a gift and it is important to enjoy every second…

Sharing…

17 Monday Dec 2012

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I made cookie dough Saturday night, and the actual cookies last night for my BS friends… we gathered tonight for our Christmas celebration… the five of us have met most Monday evenings for nearly 25 years… we have met in person, as well as by speaker phone… we have gone through life together, and have held one another up through various difficulties… we have also laughed and shared wonderful times…

it had been so long since I last baked that I couldn’t remember where the rolling pin was, but eventually I found it… I prefer making dinner to baking and since I no longer have to make cookies for school occasions for the girls, baking doesn’t occur around here very often… but, whenever I prepare food for people, whether it is soup, a dip, a main course, or even cookies, I spend the time thinking about the particular people who will be eating whatever it is I am making… I find it very satisfying to watch people enjoy the offering, knowing that I have taken special care to produce it…

lovely tree sugar cookies...

lovely tree sugar cookies…

tonight we ate treats, shared gifts around the circle, and enjoyed much laughter and love…

they were here the night the police came to the door to tell me that George had been in a car accident, and likely suffered a heart attack… one came with me to the hospital and the others closed up the house and went off to share the news and come to be with me… I do not know where I would have been without them that night… it was horrible and hard but having them around me was so comforting…

what if I had been alone, how would I have managed, who would have held my hand… they are my rock, my strength and they hold me up… no one knows me like they do…

what a gift that they were here… and that they continue with me in my new life…

Driving…

16 Sunday Dec 2012

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as I was heading toward the Dollar Store this morning I ended up behind a Driver Training Car…

made me think of a number of things… George’s mom, who, when George’s dad died, decided that the bus was just fine for her so she never did drive… my mom, who in her late 50s decided she would learn to drive and get herself to the places she needed to go… she took lessons and went out and got that driver’s license… she was very proud of it and enjoyed the independence… the sad day when my dad had to admit it was too difficult for him to drive anymore and gave up the car keys… it was so hard for him to do…

I’ve been driving since I turned 16… at that time I bought a brand new car with my mom and dad and drove my dad to work every day… he had emphysema and driving took a lot of energy, and in the winter the cold was very hard on him… so, I drove him to work, and then myself to school… at the end of the day I would pick him up and bring him home… so, I’ve been driving for a long time…

a few weeks before George died I took the car to work… that was unusual, because if I needed a ride to or from work, and my regular ride wasn’t available, George would drop me off and pick me up…  one of my colleagues commented that they didn’t know I could drive…

our last drive through the park...

our last drive through the park…

I remember how, when I was home with the girls, George would ride his bike or take the bus so that I wouldn’t be stuck at home…

George loved to drive… he often regaled me with stories of being out in the country with his dad in their big old boat of a car and practicing on ice, and gravel, and other strange conditions… and when we were in Halifax on a family vacation, he drove around the parking lot – literally in circles – he laughed about that for years…

when we were coming home from a visit to Calgary, I remember how he patiently sat beside me while I drove on the divided highway, after I got my nerve up because I abhorred highway driving…  I am sure he was gripping the door handle, but he never showed it…

he didn’t like it when I drove, not because I wasn’t a good driver, he just preferred his driving… so it was much easier for him to drop me off and pick me up than for me to take the car…

so it was funny when my colleague made that comment…

snowflake on car window...

snowflake on car window…

of course now I can drive the car whenever I want, even when I don’t want, lol…

Preparing…

15 Saturday Dec 2012

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spent much of the day finding, sorting and putting up decorations…

while that was going on, someone from the cable company was in setting up PVRs on the TVs… he had lots of questions about where the cables ran, what computer was hooked up to the system, etc, etc… I was amazed at what I remembered about how George had done the set up and where all the wiring was… that was bittersweet, because it made me miss him more…

during the time he was working on that, I was cleaning the stained glass nativity figures that George made 4 or 5 years ago… they hadn’t been out for a few years

wise ones travelling...

wise ones travelling…

but I came across them while pulling out other Christmas “stuff”… sadly the cow has lost a leg, the bird on her back has fallen off, and the donkey is missing the piece that helps him stand… I will have to see if I can find someone to fix them for me … those darn big girl pants…

Mary and Joseph resting on the journey...

Mary and Joseph resting on the journey…

midway through all of that fun, the Norfolk Pine, which I had bought and decorated instead of bringing out our usual tree, fell over and a number of the ornaments broke… that was just as my son-in-law and grandsons walked in… it was a busy time sweeping up the broken glass and trying to keep the boys away from the mess:-)…

next thing I knew everyone was gone, and I was alone… I miss having George there to discuss all the busyness of the morning… he would have gone out and got the groceries, picked up the last minute items for Christmas and maybe brought back lunch for us… sigh… I know that I am going to be fine, but the season is bringing lots of memories with it and some days those memories seem sadder than others…

shepherd and sheep waiting...

shepherd and sheep waiting…

it’s been one of our (shall we say, my) traditions to put the various participants of the nativity in different places around the room as they travel toward their destination… as times goes on they get closer together and eventually all land in the same spot…  I will miss George checking to see where they might be, but will make sure that the little boys understand the journey this year, and maybe they will be the ones to check the movements when they come to visit…

connecting…

14 Friday Dec 2012

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been thinking about the horrible happenings in Connecticut today…  reminded me of how life can change in an instant, and made me think about my own girls…

tonight I have spent considerable time on the phone with Cyndi… we’ve had three of four calls back and forth… we talked about our work day, plans for the weekend, shopping to do, our trip in January, life in general…

It reminded me of the change to our communications since George died…  we would talk every week for sure, often on Sunday when the family would gather here for dinner, but she was busy with her life in BC and we were busy with ours here…

a random conversation this week reminded me of the night George died… I sat beside his body in the emergency room and had to call my two girls to share the devastating news that their dad was gone…

Crystal was first, as she lives here in the city…  thankfully her husband was home with her… after speaking with her and knowing she was on her way, I called Cyndi…

she was home alone, as her husband was away across the country on a training course…  there wasn’t anyone I could call to be with her and I felt awful making the call, knowing she was alone…  we spoke and cried for a while, and then we decided she would come home and she hung up to make the necessary plans…  she tried to reach her husband, but was unable to, and then she tried to book a flight… the weather was terrible and she had to wait for two days to get on a plane…  she arrived from the west and her husband arrived from the east a few days after that…

after she returned home, she began to call me every day, and following my surgery, while I was home recovering, she would call me on her way to work in the morning and on her way home at night… we’d talk about whatever was taking place in our lives at that moment, and remember to say “I love you” during each call…  since I have returned to work she calls daily… if she’s too busy to call I really notice it and miss the connection…

George chatting to one of the girls on his cell phone...

George chatting to one of the girls on his cell phone…

that made me think of my grandmother who was housebound (basically room bound) for many years… my mom would talk with her every day on the phone as well, and I remember thinking that was a “bit much”…  my grandma would also call other “shut-ins” daily to help them keep connected…  I realize now what a life line that would have been and what a gift that she shared with others…

since George’s death I have worked very hard to stay connected and tell those around me how much they mean to me, and remind others to do the same…  life is so fragile and it can change in an instant…