Struggling…

18 Tuesday Dec 2012

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a few people I know are struggling with family situations… often it is with mom or dad, or even a spouse who is not well and needs care, but don’t necessarily want it…

I remember when my mom was dying and in Princess Elizabeth Hospital… I watched a dozen people move into and out of her four bed ward while she was there… it seemed if they didn’t have family who came regularly to see them, that they would soon be drugged and basically sleep through whatever time they had left… I was in the amazing position of not working so I could be with her every day… it was a special time… we had the opportunity to say all the things we felt and grew close over those last months…

she was dying of esophageal cancer, which spread to her brain… the radiation treatments she had before being transferred from Grace Hospital slowed the brain cancer and kept her basically pain free, until the end… she had smoked all her life, but stopped for a few months once she went into hospital… but while she was in the palliative care ward she started to smoke again – in those days, there was a room that you could smoke in, not like today… many thought she was nuts, but it was really the only thing she had control over… everything else was decided by someone else: when she would eat, sleep, take meds, get dressed, washed… basically everything… and really, she was dying anyway, what difference would a few cigarettes make…

I was blessed with the time and space to be able to be with her every day and it was truly a gift to walk that final journey with her… as difficult as it was, I wouldn’t give up one moment…

she came home for Christmas that final time, and we had a great day…  she wanted to stay here to die, but I didn’t think that the girls could handle it at the time, so took her back to the hospital the day after Christmas…  she died two days later…  I climbed into her bed and held her as she took her last breath…

walking the halls of St. Boniface...

walking the halls of St. Boniface…

George was with me, as he always was in times of trauma and difficulty… my best friend and beloved…

I hope that I will be able to hear when my kids are telling me I need to make changes in my life, and I hope that they will be able to hear me…

all of this reminds me again how important every moment we have is…  whether we are experiencing the highs of life, or the lows…  they each need to be savoured…  life is a gift and it is important to enjoy every second…

Sharing…

17 Monday Dec 2012

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I made cookie dough Saturday night, and the actual cookies last night for my BS friends… we gathered tonight for our Christmas celebration… the five of us have met most Monday evenings for nearly 25 years… we have met in person, as well as by speaker phone… we have gone through life together, and have held one another up through various difficulties… we have also laughed and shared wonderful times…

it had been so long since I last baked that I couldn’t remember where the rolling pin was, but eventually I found it… I prefer making dinner to baking and since I no longer have to make cookies for school occasions for the girls, baking doesn’t occur around here very often… but, whenever I prepare food for people, whether it is soup, a dip, a main course, or even cookies, I spend the time thinking about the particular people who will be eating whatever it is I am making… I find it very satisfying to watch people enjoy the offering, knowing that I have taken special care to produce it…

lovely tree sugar cookies...

lovely tree sugar cookies…

tonight we ate treats, shared gifts around the circle, and enjoyed much laughter and love…

they were here the night the police came to the door to tell me that George had been in a car accident, and likely suffered a heart attack… one came with me to the hospital and the others closed up the house and went off to share the news and come to be with me… I do not know where I would have been without them that night… it was horrible and hard but having them around me was so comforting…

what if I had been alone, how would I have managed, who would have held my hand… they are my rock, my strength and they hold me up… no one knows me like they do…

what a gift that they were here… and that they continue with me in my new life…

Driving…

16 Sunday Dec 2012

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as I was heading toward the Dollar Store this morning I ended up behind a Driver Training Car…

made me think of a number of things… George’s mom, who, when George’s dad died, decided that the bus was just fine for her so she never did drive… my mom, who in her late 50s decided she would learn to drive and get herself to the places she needed to go… she took lessons and went out and got that driver’s license… she was very proud of it and enjoyed the independence… the sad day when my dad had to admit it was too difficult for him to drive anymore and gave up the car keys… it was so hard for him to do…

I’ve been driving since I turned 16… at that time I bought a brand new car with my mom and dad and drove my dad to work every day… he had emphysema and driving took a lot of energy, and in the winter the cold was very hard on him… so, I drove him to work, and then myself to school… at the end of the day I would pick him up and bring him home… so, I’ve been driving for a long time…

a few weeks before George died I took the car to work… that was unusual, because if I needed a ride to or from work, and my regular ride wasn’t available, George would drop me off and pick me up…  one of my colleagues commented that they didn’t know I could drive…

our last drive through the park...

our last drive through the park…

I remember how, when I was home with the girls, George would ride his bike or take the bus so that I wouldn’t be stuck at home…

George loved to drive… he often regaled me with stories of being out in the country with his dad in their big old boat of a car and practicing on ice, and gravel, and other strange conditions… and when we were in Halifax on a family vacation, he drove around the parking lot – literally in circles – he laughed about that for years…

when we were coming home from a visit to Calgary, I remember how he patiently sat beside me while I drove on the divided highway, after I got my nerve up because I abhorred highway driving…  I am sure he was gripping the door handle, but he never showed it…

he didn’t like it when I drove, not because I wasn’t a good driver, he just preferred his driving… so it was much easier for him to drop me off and pick me up than for me to take the car…

so it was funny when my colleague made that comment…

snowflake on car window...

snowflake on car window…

of course now I can drive the car whenever I want, even when I don’t want, lol…

Preparing…

15 Saturday Dec 2012

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spent much of the day finding, sorting and putting up decorations…

while that was going on, someone from the cable company was in setting up PVRs on the TVs… he had lots of questions about where the cables ran, what computer was hooked up to the system, etc, etc… I was amazed at what I remembered about how George had done the set up and where all the wiring was… that was bittersweet, because it made me miss him more…

during the time he was working on that, I was cleaning the stained glass nativity figures that George made 4 or 5 years ago… they hadn’t been out for a few years

wise ones travelling...

wise ones travelling…

but I came across them while pulling out other Christmas “stuff”… sadly the cow has lost a leg, the bird on her back has fallen off, and the donkey is missing the piece that helps him stand… I will have to see if I can find someone to fix them for me … those darn big girl pants…

Mary and Joseph resting on the journey...

Mary and Joseph resting on the journey…

midway through all of that fun, the Norfolk Pine, which I had bought and decorated instead of bringing out our usual tree, fell over and a number of the ornaments broke… that was just as my son-in-law and grandsons walked in… it was a busy time sweeping up the broken glass and trying to keep the boys away from the mess:-)…

next thing I knew everyone was gone, and I was alone… I miss having George there to discuss all the busyness of the morning… he would have gone out and got the groceries, picked up the last minute items for Christmas and maybe brought back lunch for us… sigh… I know that I am going to be fine, but the season is bringing lots of memories with it and some days those memories seem sadder than others…

shepherd and sheep waiting...

shepherd and sheep waiting…

it’s been one of our (shall we say, my) traditions to put the various participants of the nativity in different places around the room as they travel toward their destination… as times goes on they get closer together and eventually all land in the same spot…  I will miss George checking to see where they might be, but will make sure that the little boys understand the journey this year, and maybe they will be the ones to check the movements when they come to visit…

connecting…

14 Friday Dec 2012

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been thinking about the horrible happenings in Connecticut today…  reminded me of how life can change in an instant, and made me think about my own girls…

tonight I have spent considerable time on the phone with Cyndi… we’ve had three of four calls back and forth… we talked about our work day, plans for the weekend, shopping to do, our trip in January, life in general…

It reminded me of the change to our communications since George died…  we would talk every week for sure, often on Sunday when the family would gather here for dinner, but she was busy with her life in BC and we were busy with ours here…

a random conversation this week reminded me of the night George died… I sat beside his body in the emergency room and had to call my two girls to share the devastating news that their dad was gone…

Crystal was first, as she lives here in the city…  thankfully her husband was home with her… after speaking with her and knowing she was on her way, I called Cyndi…

she was home alone, as her husband was away across the country on a training course…  there wasn’t anyone I could call to be with her and I felt awful making the call, knowing she was alone…  we spoke and cried for a while, and then we decided she would come home and she hung up to make the necessary plans…  she tried to reach her husband, but was unable to, and then she tried to book a flight… the weather was terrible and she had to wait for two days to get on a plane…  she arrived from the west and her husband arrived from the east a few days after that…

after she returned home, she began to call me every day, and following my surgery, while I was home recovering, she would call me on her way to work in the morning and on her way home at night… we’d talk about whatever was taking place in our lives at that moment, and remember to say “I love you” during each call…  since I have returned to work she calls daily… if she’s too busy to call I really notice it and miss the connection…

George chatting to one of the girls on his cell phone...

George chatting to one of the girls on his cell phone…

that made me think of my grandmother who was housebound (basically room bound) for many years… my mom would talk with her every day on the phone as well, and I remember thinking that was a “bit much”…  my grandma would also call other “shut-ins” daily to help them keep connected…  I realize now what a life line that would have been and what a gift that she shared with others…

since George’s death I have worked very hard to stay connected and tell those around me how much they mean to me, and remind others to do the same…  life is so fragile and it can change in an instant…

Healthy…

13 Thursday Dec 2012

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it was a good day… first thing I gathered up the garbage and put it by the back door, emptied and refilled the dishwasher… work was mainly quiet, but I accomplished what I wanted… after work I took out garbage and recycling, after shoveling so I could get to the back lane…  I do love the look of snow, but it isn’t always great to have to deal with it…

then I went to Aquasize… been going for over two years with my friend Pat… we usually go on Tuesday nights but that didn’t work this week, so we decided on Thursday, with dinner out afterwards…

there were only 3 of us in the class – a drop-in that usually has from 12 to 20 people in it… weather wasn’t so great – lots of that beautiful, fluffy snow, so I guess people just didn’t want to go out…

as I was doing all the requested actions, it came to me that I am healthy and today I was able to do everything asked of me, and didn’t need to take any breaks during the class… sometimes I just paddle around because it is too much for me to participate…

I thought about all the months before my surgery that I couldn’t do much because my abdomen was so extended from the hernia it made some of the movements impossible and there was always the worry that I might twist or strain and cause a more serious problem…

then, for eight weeks following my surgery, I couldn’t go into the water and had to be sure not to lift anything over 5 pounds and not do any twisting… I was very happy when I got the approval to get back into the water and was able to lift things again…

it was September 15 that I finally made it back into the water at the lake with Pat (she took this pic)… we like to do water-type things together…

heading into the rather cool water...

heading into the rather cool water…

I can remember how excited I was… even though it was quite chilly, I was going into that water…  it was wonderful and I enjoyed every minute of it…

most nights I go out to the hot tub in the garden for a while…  it is so peaceful in the dark and a very contemplative time…  as long as it isn’t snowing or raining or blowing big time, I don’t really care what the temperature is…

I love my hot tub and I will sit there thinking about the day, the kids, George and mostly, how lucky I am and what a blessed life I have…

I am healthy and am going out for a tub now…

Errands…

12 Wednesday Dec 2012

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had a busy day at work yesterday…

then Crystal picked me up and we stopped for a bite to eat before fetching her truck from the auto hospital and picking up a few final Christmas gifts…  it was good to have someone to shop with…

I was reminded of all the times that George would have done similar things and run here and there, to fetch just the right gift for one of the girls or boys…

I still dislike doing things on my own, although I am getting much better at it, but some things just need someone else to make them more fun… such as shopping…

I am proud of myself every time I do one of those – for me – difficult things… on Saturday, I took the car in to the dealership for an oil change…  I also had a lesson on how to put air in the tires – a George job – and put the back seats down so that larger items can slide into the trunk…  the service folk were very helpful and happy to show me things that up until now I didn’t need to know…

tonight I went shopping with my friend after work… we went to Costco and had lots of fun…  it is always fun to wander around and see what’s new and interesting…  of course we both bought stuff…

I bought lobster for New Year’s Eve dinner… since before the girls were born we would have barbecued steak and lobster…  it started with our good friends and a kettle barbecue and a huge ring of melted snow all around it…  since then it just became a tradition…  New Year’s was for the grown ups and the kids would get put to bed and a leisurely dinner would take over the evening, often with friends…  then the kids grew up and started to come for dinner on their way out to their parties and for the last few years the kids and grand kids have been here for the tradition…

of course, this year will be different… likely Jeff and Crystal will do the barbecuing… we will toast a new year without George to make us laugh… I think we will enjoy some good stories and remember Cajun (code for burned) steaks of the past…  we will have to figure out how to get the lobster out of the tail and sitting pretty…

an eternal reminder of over 40 years of companionship

an eternal reminder of over 40 years of companionship

but I know that George will be with us in spirit and in the faces of my loved ones around the table…

letting frustrations go…

11 Tuesday Dec 2012

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got home last night to discover a statement from MTS (Manitoba Telephone System)… it was for my internet service – and advised that I had not paid the November bill…

if you had been here you would probably have seen the steam escaping from my ears… I have now have phone calls with MTS for about 4 months trying to get this sorted out…

previously I shared the story of how they had to do a credit check on me less than 24 hours after George died…  a few months later I asked to have the main email address for the service changed from his email address to mine… seemed simple… 3 phone calls about that, being told each time that it was taken care of… then a bill arrived for the internet service… more calls, once again I was told it is fixed… then yesterday’s bill…

I felt a bit sorry for the woman that answered my call… it wasn’t her fault, but really people… after 20 minutes on the phone she assured me that it is fixed now… we shall see…  after a while it really is rather funny…

before George died, he looked after all the bills, often paying them in person, or by mail…

now, with the big girl pants, I have learned to use internet banking, bill paying, and credit card tracking… lots of it has been fun, because I do love technology (most days)… and the process has made bill payment much easier and quicker…

but sometimes I wish I didn’t have to wear the big girl pants, and could go back to being looked after…  George looked after me for all of those 41 plus years… he liked to grocery shop, pick up things we needed, fetch items for a variety of events I was participating in, shovel the snow when he was able, gather up and take out the garbage, ensure I had cash in my wallet, provide chocolate for my desk drawer, drive me to and from places… you know, just about anything you might want or need looked after…

it wasn’t that I couldn’t do those things, it was that he enjoyed doing them for me… George took good care of me and made sure that I would have sufficient income to live comfortably…  I have enough to pay the bills, maintain the house and buy the odd treat for myself and my kids…

as I walk through these days towards Christmas, I am working at letting the little frustrations go… because it really doesn’t matter about minor problems like incorrect bills…

I put up the forest a few days ago – I have a small tree collection – and was giggling to myself because George didn’t always love all the decorations that would go up around the house, and those memories are fun too…

trees and lights up the stairs...

trees and lights up the stairs…

I continue to focus on the wonderful Christmases we have enjoyed and the ones that are still to come… I miss him every day and expect I will do so until I take my last breath – I hope that is a long time coming… truly I am blessed…

Anxiety…

10 Monday Dec 2012

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my youngest grandson asked to see my scar a couple of days ago… it brought back some memories…

George died March 5th… following that I had some fairly serious medical symptoms which ended up with a biopsy… on May 22nd I received a phone call at 4:20 from a gynecologist advising that I had uterine cancer… I was supposed to go into a board meeting at 4:30…

I didn’t have George to talk to… that is what I miss the most…

my colleagues quickly stepped in, organized someone else to take minutes of the meeting, and a couple took me home…

we had been waiting since September of 2011 for my ventral hernia repair surgery, but the process kept going very slowly… once I saw my doctor after George’s death and described recent symptoms he advised we could not proceed with the hernia surgery as I might also need a hysterectomy, and he didn’t want me to go through two separate surgeries…

after she told me I had cancer, the gynecologist advised that she was turning me over to CancerCare, and someone would give me a call… serendipitously a colleague mentioned my situation to one of our suppliers (which was very unusual) who contacted me the next day with her niece’s phone number… her niece was one of the gynecological surgeons at CancerCare… after numerous calls my surgery was set for July 18, 2012…

I made copious arrangements for the time of the surgery, arranging schedules for those who would sit with me in the hospital, and when I got home… of course without George to look after me, I had to find others to help me…

the surgery went well and I was released from the hospital just 3 days later, and had family and friends stay with me for a while before I could manage on my own… I was home for ten weeks because of the enormity of the surgery…

a beautiful stem of orchids with an amazing dragonfly... two of my favourite things...

a beautiful stem of orchids with an amazing dragonfly… two of my favourite things…

a number of weeks following the surgery I received a phone call to advise that there had been one small cancerous polyp but everything else was clear… it was a miracle that the gynecologist had biopsied the one spot that had cancer cells… the doctor advised that I was cancer free and would not need any follow-up procedures… I had thought I wasn’t worried about the results, but when I put the phone down after the call I burst into tears… another small miracle was that a friend arrived just moments after this news to take me to a quilting group where my friends acted as my sounding board…

my grandsons had different ways of dealing with my surgery – particularly after having lost their grandpa so recently… two of them wanted nothing to do with seeing the scar, but the youngest was quite enthralled with Grandma’s owie… every time he came to see me he would want to see how the owie was doing…

I believe that George saved my life… the symptoms I was having had been minor and I might have gone for years before getting this dealt with, but the stress of his death brought on symptoms that couldn’t be ignored…

not having him to talk to when things happen – little things, bad things, good things, whatever, that is what I miss… for 41 plus years I could pick up the phone or turn to him and he would be my sounding board…

I have new sounding boards for different things now… someone at work, or a friend, or my daughters, depending on the situation… it is a part of the new reality of my life…

once my grandson checked out the scar, he went off happily, although I think he was a bit disappointed that it was all gone…

Remembering…

09 Sunday Dec 2012

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this morning I went out for a hot tub… it was -30C with the wind chill, but toasty warm in the tub…  I had a little trouble getting in because one of the straps on the cover had frozen to the side (against the house where it is very difficult to reach)…

before I had to put my big girl pants on, I would have stepped back into the house and called George, who would have come and figured out how to fix the problem…  now, without him, I have to sort things out myself…  very clever this morning, I got some hot water and ran it over the strap and voila, I could open the tub…Image

the trees are gorgeous this morning as we’ve had snow fall over the last few days…  the sky is a beautiful blue and the sun is bright… surprisingly there were no visitors to the feeder…

as I was sitting enjoying the beauty in the garden – from the tub I can see the snow covered pond with the stone and wire heron, the six cedars that stand as sentinels along the back lane and the bird feeder by the garage – memories flooded in…

I remember many times when George and I would sit in the tub, enjoying our lovely garden and talking about all kinds of things – big and little…  I miss that a lot, but I am also glad that he isn’t busy watching every little thing that went into his mouth and feeling deprived that he could no longer smoke or drink…

lucky for me, the good times rise to the top of the list when I remember… digging the spot out for the big pond, and trying to get it level… oh my, getting things level was often something that could cause a little hissy fit…changing the flower beds – how he worked around the clock, when our dear friend and neighbour Ellen died, to get the bed beside the garage raised and planted, with a bench along the top for sitting so that the garden would be at its best for a small celebration of her life…

I still get the odd flashback… stepping into the hospital room to discover he was dead without anyone preparing me beforehand, that is a rough one…  but then I think about the outpouring of love and care that quickly surrounded me as my family, friends and colleagues came to provide support…

I don’t dwell on the sad remembrances… life is too short and the life I have is quite amazingly wonderful… a close family, a home, work that I love, and my health…

that’s  what I choose to remember…