Tag Archives: journey

feeling…

22 Sunday May 2016

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lots done in the garden today… also fit in a nap and some sports on tv…


been thinking a lot of my journey lately and missing my beloved…

with over four years on my own some things are coming more easily… eating out on my own… something I would not do for any reason in the before time… getting more and more comfortable doing that… shopping on my own… doing things with the car, like taking it for gas and to get washed, lol…

working in the garden on my own… George was the one who executed so many of my ideas… he also did a lot of the work in the garden… I would do the planting in pots, but he would often do the digging and heavy work and the maintenance… I can mow the grass but also appreciate when others do it…

he was also the weeder… he’d spend time in the garage (lots of time!) and then vanish into an area of the garden and pull weeds… I did not realize how much time he spent doing that, lol…

I miss him in the morning, I miss him during the day, I miss him after work, I miss him in the hot tub and I miss him at night…

I miss talking to him, reviewing the day, getting his opinion… today I don’t think I spoke except on the phone with my daughter for a few minutes… I miss the sound of another person in the house…

the garden misses him too, I think…


maybe it is the season, or spending time in the garden… not sure exactly what it is, but missing him so much… will continue to feel my way through…

mothering…

07 Saturday May 2016

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been thinking of my mom…


for the majority of our lives we did not do well together… she wasn’t able to mother my brother and I due to illness… not sure I understood at the time…


we connected much better during my adult years, and had an extraordinary four months at the end of her life as we travelled her final journey together… 


I was fortunate to be with her every day during that time and learned so much about her… we came to be good friends… 

such a difficult time, but also a blessing…

it appears that Mother’s Day has gone from a day to treat your mom, to a weekend, even week, of excess… all I want is time with my children…

these days, with all this hype about Mother’s Day, I am thinking of all those who don’t necessarily get along with their mothers… or those who mother people but are not considered mothers… 

life is short… give someone a hug… you never know what tomorrow will bring… besides, it feels good;-)…

followers…

22 Monday Feb 2016

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how exciting… I have 254 followers… 246 are WordPress and 8 are email… pretty cool…

last week I took the plunge and moved to the next level on my site… got a domain name… a tech friend sat beside me as I clicked on the various buttons to complete the upgrade… always makes me nervous that I might not understand their questions, or choose the wrong option…

  
it was easy with someone sitting beside me, lol…

been reviewing the stats and am always awed by the number of countries that people who read the blog come from…

 in January they came from nine different countries… what a wide reach we have as bloggers…

also good to see which titles draw the most views…

  

very early in the process I decided on using single word titles… at the same time I made the decision to have at least one picture and use lower case… and ellipses…

continue to learn new things on this journey of discovery…
  

starting…

23 Saturday Jan 2016

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spent the morning at MBlog 2016 with a room full of bloggers wanting to grow… many great tips on organizing and content creation… a blog is a conversation advised Kyla Roma… we spent time looking at our own blog and working through our brand and who we wanted to be having the conversation with…

  
as the speaker, Kyla kept us moving forward so that by the end we had lots of content to work with for the coming year… 

I spent time remembering that the reason I started to blog was to share some of my experiences following my husband’s death and my desire to share as I move forward in my life’s journey…

it was energizing to hear the sound of wisdom being shared and see the animated faces of the bloggers as everyone soaked up knowledge…

  
left the event filled with ideas floating around in my head…

once home I watched figure skating on tv and had a nap… hadn’t slept well last night… snow started just after I arrived home… 

  dreamt of my beloved coming in after shovelling and when I woke up thought he was in the basement watching tv… took a few moments to realize that he wasn’t… 

maybe a combination of thinking of his loss, snow falling, and the skating, brought on the dream… my neighbour and I would call one another whenever skating was on to be sure the other didn’t miss any programs… I would watch upstairs while George would watch his programs in the basement… shook me up a little…

lonesome…

15 Saturday Nov 2014

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as I move along this new path in my journey I do get lonesome for my beloved… I miss him all the time, but mainly I am enjoying my new life…

of course there are days where I feel down… this weekend I couldn’t unhook the hose to empty the hot tub… he had the strongest hands that could open/twist/turn anything… the fish tank is getting cloudy and he would have known exactly what type of filters we need… I’ve tried a couple of different kinds, but still don’t think I am getting the right ones, sigh…

was talking with someone who lost their partner shortly after George died… they have filled their time with other people, hardly ever on their own… recently they commemorated their partner’s passing with what sounded like a full blown funeral…

we will be celebrating George’s birthday in a few weeks, likely with burgers and milkshakes, maybe apple pie, three of his favourite foods… we will be together and share stories and laugher, and maybe a few tears but likely less than last year or the year before…

interesting the different ways that we each respond as we deal with these life altering events…

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events…

09 Wednesday Apr 2014

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was thinking about going to events such as funerals… a friend had just been to the first one since her mom died… we talked about how often it is about your own journey, as much as that of the one recently departed…

made me think of the first funeral I attended after George died and how emotional it made me… thankfully I was with good friends who passed Kleenex and hugged me throughout the service… hadn’t expected that it would be so hard…

will be attending a funeral on Saturday and will be thinking of my friend as she takes the necessary steps to keep moving through the process…

feels like many people I know are struggling with health and loss these days… as I think of them, it reminds me of what a good place I am in most of the time… I am well, safe and have friends and a good work environment… pretty darn lucky…

this morning I took this picture of the backyard… lots of snow on the deck…

backyard this morning...

backyard this morning…

tonight I took a picture from the same spot…

backyard this afternoon...

backyard this afternoon…

the deck is nearly clear of snow… very exciting as I am hoping to sit out there for a bit if the sun shines in the morning on the weekend… the deck can be 3 or 4 degrees warmer than the surrounding area when the sun is out…

I am looking forward to getting some work done in the garden and being able to sit out there and enjoy the pond and birds…

soon… all part of wearing those big girl pants…

 

what a year…

07 Sunday Jul 2013

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this morning I continued working a bit in the side garden… slowly but surely I am getting it tidied up…last year at this time I wasn’t able to do much of anything due to my health… I was lucky to find a wonderful woman who came and tidied up the garden for me…

side garden after more weeding... 3/4 done...

side garden after more weeding… 3/4 done…

about this time last year I was getting my personal affairs in order, because I was expecting to die on the operating table when I had surgery in mid July…

was told on May 22nd, over the phone, that I had cancer of the uterus… I had been waiting for hernia surgery for some time and, after this diagnosis, worked with my doctors to ensure that the hernia surgery I needed would take place at the same time as the hysterectomy…

in my mind I was sure that I was going to die, and so I went about organizing all of my affairs… had a new will written, as well as power of attorney and a health directive… made sure that the money from George’s insurance policies was easily accessible… I wanted to be sure that the girls would have a simpler time with my estate because I didn’t want them to go through all the struggles I had with George’s…

it wasn’t until just the week before my surgery that I began to think I might live through it…

and here it is, nearly a year later… I am healthy, happy and enjoying life… putting on those big girl pants is not nearly as difficult as it was…

missing my beloved every day but moving forward on this journey…

in the moment…

27 Wednesday Mar 2013

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well, this morning I put on a spring coat and wore my sandals to work…  I have worn sandals at work all winter, but wore boots to and from…  but this morning the sun was shining and it was supposed to go to 0 degrees, so I decided it was time to move into spring…

the sandals might have been a little early, but it was wonderful to have them on instead of boots…

a little chilly on the toes this morning...

a little chilly on the toes this morning…

was talking with someone who mentioned George’s memorial service… I don’t remember much about it because I was dealing with a health issue at the time and was focussed on that, and not fully on what was happening around me… maybe that was a blessing…

It did remind me of the fact that last March I was afraid to walk down the street because I might have a problem with my body…  I had spoken with my doctor and we were in agreement that I needed a hysterectomy and I was waiting to get in to see a specialist, but it was a very stress-filled time…

what a difference a year makes, in so many ways… I am healthy and can do most anything these days without any worries…

I miss my beloved but each day I am learning strategies to move forward on this new journey…

Struggling…

18 Tuesday Dec 2012

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a few people I know are struggling with family situations… often it is with mom or dad, or even a spouse who is not well and needs care, but don’t necessarily want it…

I remember when my mom was dying and in Princess Elizabeth Hospital… I watched a dozen people move into and out of her four bed ward while she was there… it seemed if they didn’t have family who came regularly to see them, that they would soon be drugged and basically sleep through whatever time they had left… I was in the amazing position of not working so I could be with her every day… it was a special time… we had the opportunity to say all the things we felt and grew close over those last months…

she was dying of esophageal cancer, which spread to her brain… the radiation treatments she had before being transferred from Grace Hospital slowed the brain cancer and kept her basically pain free, until the end… she had smoked all her life, but stopped for a few months once she went into hospital… but while she was in the palliative care ward she started to smoke again – in those days, there was a room that you could smoke in, not like today… many thought she was nuts, but it was really the only thing she had control over… everything else was decided by someone else: when she would eat, sleep, take meds, get dressed, washed… basically everything… and really, she was dying anyway, what difference would a few cigarettes make…

I was blessed with the time and space to be able to be with her every day and it was truly a gift to walk that final journey with her… as difficult as it was, I wouldn’t give up one moment…

she came home for Christmas that final time, and we had a great day…  she wanted to stay here to die, but I didn’t think that the girls could handle it at the time, so took her back to the hospital the day after Christmas…  she died two days later…  I climbed into her bed and held her as she took her last breath…

walking the halls of St. Boniface...

walking the halls of St. Boniface…

George was with me, as he always was in times of trauma and difficulty… my best friend and beloved…

I hope that I will be able to hear when my kids are telling me I need to make changes in my life, and I hope that they will be able to hear me…

all of this reminds me again how important every moment we have is…  whether we are experiencing the highs of life, or the lows…  they each need to be savoured…  life is a gift and it is important to enjoy every second…

Preparing…

15 Saturday Dec 2012

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spent much of the day finding, sorting and putting up decorations…

while that was going on, someone from the cable company was in setting up PVRs on the TVs… he had lots of questions about where the cables ran, what computer was hooked up to the system, etc, etc… I was amazed at what I remembered about how George had done the set up and where all the wiring was… that was bittersweet, because it made me miss him more…

during the time he was working on that, I was cleaning the stained glass nativity figures that George made 4 or 5 years ago… they hadn’t been out for a few years

wise ones travelling...

wise ones travelling…

but I came across them while pulling out other Christmas “stuff”… sadly the cow has lost a leg, the bird on her back has fallen off, and the donkey is missing the piece that helps him stand… I will have to see if I can find someone to fix them for me … those darn big girl pants…

Mary and Joseph resting on the journey...

Mary and Joseph resting on the journey…

midway through all of that fun, the Norfolk Pine, which I had bought and decorated instead of bringing out our usual tree, fell over and a number of the ornaments broke… that was just as my son-in-law and grandsons walked in… it was a busy time sweeping up the broken glass and trying to keep the boys away from the mess:-)…

next thing I knew everyone was gone, and I was alone… I miss having George there to discuss all the busyness of the morning… he would have gone out and got the groceries, picked up the last minute items for Christmas and maybe brought back lunch for us… sigh… I know that I am going to be fine, but the season is bringing lots of memories with it and some days those memories seem sadder than others…

shepherd and sheep waiting...

shepherd and sheep waiting…

it’s been one of our (shall we say, my) traditions to put the various participants of the nativity in different places around the room as they travel toward their destination… as times goes on they get closer together and eventually all land in the same spot…  I will miss George checking to see where they might be, but will make sure that the little boys understand the journey this year, and maybe they will be the ones to check the movements when they come to visit…